Mount Hood

This week in completely made up horoscopes

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[fruitful_tab title=”Aries 3/21-4/19″] It is your birthright to celebrate your birthday every day of Aries season. If you’re not, then you’re doing something wrong. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Taurus 4/20-5/20″] The stars have heard whispers of a Star Wars club forming… [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Gemini 5/21-6/20″] Ok so can we bring back light-up shoes [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Cancer 6/21-7/22″] Okay, that’s enough Oregon — can we get some sun now? [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Leo 7/23-8/22″] MAKE SURE TO BREAK DOWN YOUR NACHO THOROUGHLY. It hurts when you swallow a big piece D; [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Virgo 8/23-9/22″] Let me blow your mind real quick: It’s only Week 3. *Mind = blown* [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Libra 9/23-10/22″] Sure, Libra, keep complaining about the rain. We know in a few weeks you’ll be complaining about the heat. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Scorpio 10/23-11/21″] T A K E T H E L E A P. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Sagittarius 11/22-12/21″] Sooo, pizza for lunch again? Okay, cool. Good call. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Capricorn 12/22-1/19″] Due to unforeseen circumstances, Capricorn will not be attending class today. (Unforeseen circumstance: stayed up until 5 a.m. watching Netflix.) [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Aquarius 1/20-2/18″] Do you even have time to be reading this Aquarius? [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Pisces 2/19-3/20″] Goes to college. Graduates from college. Still isn’t qualified for any job. [/fruitful_tab]

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This week in completely made up horoscopes

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[fruitful_tab title=”Aries 3/21-4/19″] It’s time to flip a table Aries. The second week is coming to an end, but you have 10 assignments, two readings and a quiz due by Monday… which we both know you won’t start until Sunday night. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Taurus 4/20-5/20″] What an emotional month we’re getting into. The final season of Game of Thrones and Endgame?? Prepare yourself, Taurus. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Gemini 5/21-6/20″] all work and no play makes gemini a dull sign all work and no play makes gemini a dull sign all work and no play makes gemini a dull sign all work and no play makes gemini a dull sign [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Cancer 6/21-7/22″] It’s raining, it’s pouring, you’re skipping your class in the morning. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Leo 7/23-8/22″] Those mini trees you see outside? Yeah, those are bushes. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Virgo 8/23-9/22″] Whoever said that rolling backpacks aren’t cool was a liar and a hater of convenient storage. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Libra 9/23-10/22″] When your sleeping patterns are as erratic as the weather, it’s probably time to reconsider some things. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Scorpio 10/23-11/21″] If you haven’t been abducted by aliens yet, you’re not trying hard enough. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Sagittarius 11/22-12/21″] SAGITTARIUS. CHILL. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Capricorn 12/22-1/19″] We love that the trees are blossoming and you still have fall decor out. Stay spooky, Capricorn. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Aquarius 1/20-2/18″] Don’t worry about over-exerting your schedule there, Aquarius. You totally have time for those five clubs and 18 credits worth of class, not to mention your job to boot. Go ape. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Pisces 2/19-3/20″] Only veins have platelets, so don’t bleed out of an artery or you could die. K? K! [/fruitful_tab]

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This week in completely made up horoscopes

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[fruitful_tab title=”Aries 3/21-4/19″] The Stars are still in a “suns out guns out” kind of mood right now. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Taurus 4/20-5/20″] Hey Taurus, I hope you’re ready to SPRING into a new term. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Gemini 5/21-6/20″] Glad to see you spent the entire Spring Break sleeping. You do you, I guess? [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Cancer 6/21-7/22″] Suns out, procrastination out. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Leo 7/23-8/22″] I know it’s spring, but I’m still hoping for another snow day. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Virgo 8/23-9/22″] Aight, let’s do this, Virgo. Ten more weeks ‘til freedom. Unless you’re taking summer classes. In that case, RIP. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Libra 9/23-10/22″] As the superior zodiac sign, we will avoid using “spring” puns in our horoscope unlike SOME signs. Now, are we ready to make Spring Term a breeze? [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Scorpio 10/23-11/21″] Have you ever met someone who is the human version of getting rick rolled? Or are YOU that person? [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Sagittarius 11/22-12/21″] Over break, Eugene from the Try Guys named you the second best sign. He knows what’s up. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Capricorn 12/22-1/19″] Go ahead and order a large coffee with three extra shots of espresso on us, Capricorn. You’re gonna need it. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Aquarius 1/20-2/18″] It’s spring Aquarius, and you know what that means *ungodly gross sniffling sound* allergies. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Pisces 2/19-3/20″] If they say bless your heart they think you’re stupid… *cries over cheeseburger* [/fruitful_tab]

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This week in completely made up horoscopes

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[fruitful_tab title=”Aries 3/21-4/19″] Aries, you’re on your own now. The stars need a break from being so awesome. Check back in after Spring Break and maybe we’ll have some advice for you. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Taurus 4/20-5/20″] Two more weeks… [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Gemini 5/21-6/20″] Alexa, take my finals for me. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Cancer 6/21-7/22″]

*Two snow days last week*

Professors: More time to study and do homework, gives online assignments and extra reading

Students: Plays in snow and watches Netflix, crams all the extra assignments the day before

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[fruitful_tab title=”Leo 7/23-8/22″] YESSAH BLESSAH, NEVER STRESSAH. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Virgo 8/23-9/22″] Look, Virgo. All you have to do is make it through the next two weeks and then you get to do literally nothing but sleep for an entire week. We believe in you. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Libra 9/23-10/22″] When people say “take a risk”, it doesn’t mean starting an essay at 10 p.m. the night before, Libra. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Scorpio 10/23-11/21″] In this world it’s yeet or be yeeten. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Sagittarius 11/22-12/21″] THE JONAS BROTHERS ARE COMING BACK. THIS IS BIG NEWS. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Capricorn 12/22-1/19″] When in doubt, take a nap. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Aquarius 1/20-2/18″] So close Aquarius, so close. Keep your spirits up in this dark time. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Pisces 2/19-3/20″]

HEAVY BREATHING IN A GYM WHILE STARING INTO A MIRROR.

-Gym bro

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This week in completely made up horoscopes

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[fruitful_tab title=”Aries 3/21-4/19″] Everyone else may be cold, but you’re the smart one staying warm because you still haven’t put your Christmas sweaters away yet. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Taurus 4/20-5/20″] Sorry the stars abandoned you for so long. We thought you’d be okay on your own, but I guess not. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Gemini 5/21-6/20″] The stars predict that you will come across a large sum of money this week. Like 50 or 60 cents or something. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Cancer 6/21-7/22″] What did you do without me? Telling you what to expect from your life every week? Maybe that’s what I was telling you… [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Leo 7/23-8/22″] The Kool-Aid Man has some beef with chicken strips. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Virgo 8/23-9/22″] Ok if we don’t get at least one more snow day this term the stars will literally throw a fit. Not cool, weather. Not cool. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Libra 9/23-10/22″] Sorry, the stars are closed today due to snow. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Scorpio 10/23-11/21″] Burn it down, Scorpio. BURN IT DOWN. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Sagittarius 11/22-12/21″] You can sleep when you’re dead, Sagittarius. Deal with it. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Capricorn 12/22-1/19″] SNOW! AHHHHHH!!11!!1! [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Aquarius 1/20-2/18″] I’m sorry, the stars are currently too busy to deal with your problems… please leave your message after the beep. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Pisces 2/19-3/20″] A bean walks into a room. It’s actually a cat. Interesting. Don’t judge a word by its letterS, Y’ALL. [/fruitful_tab]

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The Howl staff attempts to draw outrageous prompts

Compiled by The Western Howl Staff

It’s like Drawful, a Jackbox party video game, but worse! In appreciation to our great designers, the Howl staff decided to put their drawing skills on display by composing a single image based off three arbitrarily picked prompts (that might or might not have involved a dart board and a blindfold).

 

Listed below are the prompts:

From the humor section: Booze and reviews of “They Came Together”

To get ourselves ready for the upcoming Feb. 14 holiday, three 21+ staff members decided to write our completely honest reviews of a romantic film that we had hardly heard of: “They Came Together” (2014). In order to make our reviews as honest as possible, we decided to do it while being not-so-sober.

These reviews were only edited for clarity and appropriateness, so get ready to enjoy our super-tipsy and very sincere thoughts.

Please remember to drink responsibly.

 

Caity Healy | Editor-in-Chief

Okay so I just finished watching “They Came Together” and some thoughts! While I was watching the movie I decided to take some notes to make sure I could recollect my thoughts when all was done so, here are my thoughts on this film.

First of all, that movie was too self-aware for its own good. Like okay, I feel bad dissing on an Amy Poehler and Paul Rudd movie, but like, it felt like a rom-com version of “Scary Movie,” or like a worse version of “Wet Hot American Summer” (which, to be clear, I love that movie). I don’t even know how to explain what that means, but like you have to watch the movie to fully understand.

At one point, Judge Judy made a cameo? I was literally like “question mark”. And I can’t really remember everything but I do remember that Paul Rudd at one point said, “greEEN beans!” and I laughed so hard that I spit my drink out. So maybe this movie was actually funny to be honest but who knows. Oh also! John Stamos and Adam Scott made a cameo, and that was a good time. It was literally like a two second cameo, but I’ll never turn down a cameo from either of them.

This film was a whirlwind. For anyone that chooses to watch it, expect to laugh, expect to ask yourself, “excuse me, what?”, and expect there to be TWO Benjamin Franklin cameos. TWO. Sometimes you’ll be so confused by what’s going on you’ll literally feel like you’re in some kind of dream. Like what? I swear, I’m not sure if it’s the AMF/multiple Jell-O shots remembering for me but I swear that at one point it repeated the same thing like at least 10 times.

Overall, this was honestly a good choic3 to watch for a Valentine’s Day movie. It wasn’t like every other rom-com. Well, it was, but it was different. It was the same as all of those other movies in a sarcastic way. So, give it a watch. If you don’t like the movie at the very least you’ll get to see Paul Rudd.

 

Contact the author at chealy16@wou.edu

 

Rebecca Meyers | Lifestyle Editor

Introducing: one of those satire movies to watch just to waste time tbh. Like watching an hour and a half of The Onion.

I guess there should be specifics: basically it’s a parody of every rom-com ever featuring Amy Poehler and Paul Rudd. That’s right, Leslie Knope and Bobby Newport from “Parks and Recreation.” Except imagine Leslie is more on Bobby Newport’s level.

Okay so a few minutes in and I’m thinking, “was this made in Monsanto cause it’s soooooo corny.” But it quickly becomes clear it’s meant to be satire, which is a good thing to realize because you WILL cringe at some point in this movie unless you’re one of those people that exclusively watches comedies that try too hard and have become immune to that kind of thing.  

It starts out with Rudd and Poehler dating different people — Rudd is dating Robin from “How I Met Your Mother” — actually no, Molly (Poehler) just broke up but basically same thing cause Rudd is ‘boutta break up too. You see where this is going right.

Basically just picture the most basic rom-com plot. They live in New York — surprise effing surprise — then date, then break up, then get back together in the most dramatic way imaginable. Sidenote: imaginable is hard to spell while drunk. But it’s like a really weird trip with an extra dash of that one satire comedy tool where they’re overly specific instead of talking like normal people (Ex: “If I were to be about to marry someone and then not want to marry them I’d go to the Brooklyn Promenade.”) Also, white supremacists appear and whatshisface played by Paul Rudd is the only one who seems to think that’s effed up.

My only takeaways: the one scene where the bartender just repeats the same line over and over and it’s literally the worst and just gave me violent flashbacks of the one kid in class who hadn’t bothered to come to a class ‘til like week three forcing us to listen while the professor had to repeat the same concept to them; the actually surprising plot twist feat. Judge Judy; and of course, “ALL HAIL JOEL.”

 

Contact the author at rmeyers17@wou.edu

 

Chrys Weedon | Entertainment Editor

Okay so “what the f*** is up Kyle?” “They Came Together” is the blockbuster of this sentury. Communism, gay, and AMMMMYMYY POEHLER. Too bad there’s white supremacists.

There’s a black best friend too, which I think is a racist stereotype. Also white supremacists? There are some white supremacists in there. There’s also a man named Eggman and he cries.

This movie obviously glorifies capitalism. Yuck. Something goes zooooommmm and I only know that because of the very extensive and professional notes I took. It was like Amy Poehler and all her friends got together and downed a gallon NyQuil and set aside two hours and made a film.

White supremacists. 🙁

Men are dumb and they play football at one point. I mean, that’s all you need to know about this film.

The movie is really unrealistic because someone owns a candy store and no one is ever in it. How does she pay her bills? How does she support her son? Oh yeah, she has a son, but he’s never around and his dad is a felon. So, really, this movie glorifies an irresponsible parenting style. Wow.

Paul Rudd and his hamburgies. And his green beans. He truly is an American classic.

For a second i thought that it would turn gay when Amy’s character kisses her best friend. To my chagrin, it did not turn gay. In fact, in turned more straight. LET THEM BE GAY. GIVE ME A GAY AMY POEHLER.

Also the whole time you expect the “Parks and Recreation” theme to start playing. We all know that song is a banger.

In summary: white supremacists, Paul Rudd, eggs.

 

Contact the author at cweedon16@wou.edu