This week in completely made up horoscopes
This week in completely made up horoscopes
Aries 3/21-4/19
– Even if it’s sunny, bring your umbrella, Aries. Chances are it’ll rain if you leave it home.
Taurus 4/20-5/20
– Don’t drink milk ever again, Taurus. The stars are telling me milk is the preferred beverage of your future nemesis.
Gemini 5/21-6/20:
Re-think getting that, “best friends,” tattoo. You’re going to regret it in a week.
Cancer 6/21-7/22
Your screams echo into eternity. Has it been a hundred minutes or a hundred years? You cannot recall, for time has come to a standstill.
Leo 7/23-8/22
Be careful, Leo. With the moon where it is, you’re likely to accidentally print pages in color instead of black and white. You’re going to need those print credits.
Virgo 8/23-9/22
Sweet Virgo, I see a furry friend in your future. Time to put that dog filter to rest, and start taking snaps of your newly adopted pup.
Libra 9/23-10/22
Stop listening to Red Hot Chili Peppers. They’re not having a comeback, it’s not 2008; there’s no reason to be listening to them. Love yourself.
Scorpio 10/23-11/21
Use Husqvarna.com’s chainsaw selector to find the best saw for your needs.
Sagittarius 11/22-12/21
Sagittarius, stop bringing your umbrella with you everywhere you go. Any day you have it, it’ll be useless. The rain only comes when you’re unprepared.
Capricorn 12/22-1/19
Treat yourself this week; get that space-themed eyeshadow palette that you’ve been pining after. It’ll only momentarily distract you from your anxiety, but it’ll be worth it.
Aquarius 1/20-2/18
The stars are throwing you a life jacket, Aquarius. Be sure not to drown in the work that you’ll inevitably procrastinate doing.
Pisces 2/19-3/20
You have to break up with them, Pisces. I know you love them, but you have to. The deep-fried golden perfection is cheating on you. That’s what you get for dating a chicken tender.
Valentine’s nay
By: Ashton Newton Hopeless Non-Romantic
50.2 percent of Americans are single, yet around the time of Valentine’s Day, stores fill up with heart shaped chocolates, roses and those atrocious teddy bears.
As part of the 50.2 percent, I vowed this year to make good use of all of these Valentine’s Day products, while also fully embracing my loneliness.
I made it my mission this February to buy as much Valentine’s Day decorations and candy as I could, but without letting the love aspect play a role.
First, I bought an adorable stuffed dog holding a heart. The cashier smiled at me, but she had no idea of my true intentions. With a knife, I removed the heart and now I have a perfectly normal stuffed dog. Take that Valentine’s Day.
Next, I stocked up on heart-shaped milk chocolates. I turned the heart shaped container into an awesome frisbee, then melted the chocolate down and poured it over a bowl of vanilla ice cream which I ate while binge watching “Planet Earth.” Again, take that.
Ever notice how sharing champagne or sparkling cider never seems right? This Valentine’s Day I bought bottles just for myself to fill a mug with and I couldn’t be happier.
I spent three hours last night filling out Valentine cards. They were all from me, addressed to flattering adjectives that describe me. I’m going to be so happy when I see them on the 14th.
Candles always go on sale around Valentine’s Day. It’s the perfect time to place them around the bath tub and watch Hulu for an unreasonable amount of time.
The day after Valentine’s Day, all the heart shaped chocolate that wasn’t sold is extremely cheap. This Valentine’s Day I plan to make a game plan of all the stores I’ll hit up in order to reap the benefits of unsold chocolate.
However lonely life gets, I just remind myself how awesome frisbees are, how great chocolate is and how being alone isn’t so bad if I love myself.
Don’t contact the author, he’s satisfied being alone.
Happy Valentine’s Day?
By: Paige Scofield Natural Disaster
Feb. 14th, otherwise known as Valentine’s Day, is a time of chocolates, cards, fancy dinners, broken hearts, love, frilly things, crippling self doubt, romance and candlelight. But people always seem to miss the most important aspect of the 14th, and they have been forgetting it for years. It’s Oregon’s birthday! Our beautiful state turns 158 this year, and I bet it didn’t even cross your mind. Every year I send invitations to everybody. Where were you when it was 
Oregon’s 150th? Making out and having fun with someone because of some stupid holiday?
Oregon was really hurt, and I was the only one at the party. It got really awkward, because it was a potluck, but all I brought was a 10 pound bag of ice for the drinks that weren’t there. We had to eat ice. There wasn’t even cake. Just ice. I also accidentally bought a block instead of crushed ice, so we literally had to use an ice pick to eat some of the worst ice I’ve ever had. I knew I shouldn’t have skimped and bought the off-brand ice.
Anyway, why do you keep taking Oregon for granted? You’ve literally lived together for years. Not to mention, who wouldn’t want to take Oregon out for a birthday/Valentine’s Day date? Oregon is absolutely stunning, and has a little bit of everything: beaches, deserts, hipsters, mountains, forests, cities and great restaurants. Valentine’s Day was created by candy companies too … Okay, I can’t do this anymore, I’m honestly just really hurt that nobody asked me out for Valentines Day. I mean I love Oregon’s birthday, but it’s too much state for me to handle and Oregon never calls back. I’m drowning in loneliness, and soon to be discount chocolate. WHY WILL NO ONE LOVE ME?
Contact the author?
By: Brian Tesch Advertising Manager
For all of our lives, we were taught to use water to brew a cup of coffee
in the morning. Let’s admit it: after a while, black coffee can be a bit dull. Until now, your only option was to buy either an expensive Keurig or espresso machine, maybe you add a bit of syrup after your coffee is brewed. Or maybe you’re just a dull person and drink black coffee every morning.
My question is simple, can you brew coffee with liquids other than water to spice up your mornings? The Journal decided to do some experimenting to find the answer.
#1: Coffee Brewed with Coca-Cola Vanilla 6/10
My first reaction was to remark on the delightful smoothness of the drink. The Coke seems to brilliantly mask the coffee without covering the flavor too much. A hint of vanilla seals the deal. This drink is almost comparable to the adrenaline rush of wrestling grizzly bears. That is, until the bear notices you and rips your head off.
#2: Coffee Brewed with Dr. Pepper 2/10
This depends on your interpretation of fresh sewage. You may find this drink bearable if you’re the type of person who digs through rubbish bins, finds half eaten cans of old spam and thinks “jackpot.” If you wake up in the morning believing you are a potato trapped in a human body, I’d recommend this drink for you.
#3: Coffee brewed with Raspberry lemonade 7/10
This is by far my favorite one of the mix, a very sophisticated flavor of cooked raspberry with a side of coffee. This cup is for thrill seekers only, if you are the
type of person who rides roller coasters for the initial view, steer clear. If you drink this regularly you may lose most of your friends to extreme jealousy.
#4: Coffee Brewed with Sunny D 1/10
Initially, the smell is appalling, but only after you take your first sip do you realize the scale of the mistake you have just made. It smells and tastes like a pidan egg. I would drink this cup if I was the sort of person who enjoyed shoving furious rodents into my mouth in the morning. Recommending this drink would be as misguided as recommending an adult film for its plot.
Contact the author at journaladvertising@wou.edu
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