Mount Hood

This week in completely made up horoscopes

The Western Howl Staff

Aries 3/21-4/19  

Is that an expired COVID vaccine in your pocket or are you just happy to see me? 

Taurus 4/20-5/20

2021 is 2012 backwards but at least this time I’m prepared to die

Gemini 5/21-6/20 

what’s your favorite absurd way to package wine? mine’s canned

Cancer 6/21-7/22

*claps hands with Libra*

Leo 7/23-8/22

Just send them to the Bermuda Triangle and we won’t have these problems anymore

Virgo 8/23-9/22

a tubular optical instrument containing lenses and mirrors by which an observer obtains an otherwise obstructed field of view

Libra 9/23-10/22

If you’re about to spend the stimulus money on things you don’t need and you know it, clap your hands!

Scorpio 10/23-11/21 

I’m not saying I hate you, but I’d unplug your life support to charge my phone

Sagittarius 11/22-12/21

I can drink (responsibly) now

Capricorn 12/22-1/19

Glad we’re still in the peppermint mocha stage of seasonal beverages

Aquarius 1/20 – 2/18

nobody: 

absolutely nobody: 

pharmacist: destroys 500 vaccines because just anyone can be a pharmacist

Pisces 2/19 – 3/20

The amount of serotonin I get from drinking out of odd shaped mugs is unnatural.

This week in completely made up horoscopes

The Western Howl Staff

Aries 3/21-4/19  

Huh, weird. 

Taurus 4/20-5/20

Damn that movie was really bad. 

Gemini 5/21-6/20 

Wow that was worse than 2016

Cancer 6/21-7/22

Somebody once told me the world is gonna roll me….

Leo 7/23-8/22

When the whole world took the L … lel

Virgo 8/23-9/22

“This mac and cheese, man, Oh, he’s got a plan to end my life” 

Libra 9/23-10/22

I would like a full refund and a heartfelt apology.

Scorpio 10/23-11/21 

GG, we’ll pick it up next time

Sagittarius 11/22-12/21

Weird flex but ok lol

Capricorn 12/22-1/19

Thanks, I hated it

Aquarius 1/20 – 2/18

At least it’s over

Pisces 2/19 – 3/20

… if you have nothing nice to say then – 

This week in completely made up horoscopes

The Western Howl Staff

Aries 3/21-4/19  

I’m giving you a coupon to shut up 

 

Taurus 4/20-5/20

Oh look it’s a mug that says C–t and the C is the handle. I thought it matched your personality.

 

Gemini 5/21-6/20 

Unlock your next gift with a healthy donation of $30 

 

Cancer 6/21-7/22

I know you hate cheeseburgers, so I got you a cheeseburger without the cheese.

 

Leo 7/23-8/22

No, I didn’t get you anything. Did I get you???

 

Virgo 8/23-9/22

One (1) free pass to your local occult meeting

 

Libra 9/23-10/22

A stapler and loose staples placed inside neon jello. Useful and delicious! 

 

Scorpio 10/23-11/21 

enjoy my half-drunk peppermint mocha 🙂

 

Sagittarius 11/22-12/21

What’s that? You don’t want this gag ball?

 

Capricorn 12/22-1/19

I couldn’t afford a gift this year, so I got you this box

 

Aquarius 1/20 – 2/18

It’s sudoku toilet paper! Figured you needed something to do while you’re in there for an hour

 

Pisces 2/19 – 3/20

I hope you enjoy this personalized notebook with a 2-page note I wrote for you and this scrap book and this mug and…

Take a sip of egg nog when …

The Western Howl Staff

Take a sip of egg nog when …

A family member complains about COVID-19

Someone mentions Kate Brown

A cousin wears a tail to dinner

Any family member impulse-buys off Amazon after a single recommendation

Someone tries to hit the high note in Mariah Carey’s “All I Want For Christmas Is You,” and fails

If one of your younger cousins tries to hit the woah 

A family member says the votes need to be recounted

A baby spits up and everyone says ‘awwww’

Your aunty shows off your baby cousin but it’s ugly :/

You film a tiktok (drink again if you post it)

You get socks as a gift

If your uncle brags way too much about the money he saved by going to Disney World during COVID

Your family still decides to invite those “family friends” you hardly know to dinner

This week in completely made up horoscopes

The Western Howl Staff

Theme: Midterms

 

Aries 3/21-4/19  

The mania that has set in from not sleeping in 3 days will never go away. 

 

Taurus 4/20-5/20

Going to sleep at 5am and waking up at 2pm seems to be working so why change it? 

 

Gemini 5/21-6/20 

Week 8. Is it over yet.

 

Cancer 6/21-7/22

The guy sure looks like plant food to me.

 

Leo 7/23-8/22

I’m going to Mcdonalds, you guys wanna tag along?

 

Virgo 8/23-9/22

The Sands Of Time Have Reached Their End. To Prepare For Your Finals, You Must Transcend.

 

Libra 9/23-10/22

If we all gather at the same time and day on Moodle, could we crash the site? Let’s put the team in teamwork. 

 

Scorpio 10/23-11/21 

Don’t cry because it’s over, cry because it happened

 

Sagittarius 11/22-12/21

Don’t mind. Don’t mind.

 

Capricorn 12/22-1/19

Spent all week catching up with my classes only to realize I forgot to do a project, lol what’s good y’all

 

Aquarius 1/20 – 2/18

Procrastinate, stress, cram, forget assignments, cry, rinse and repeat ⏤ it’s week 8 buckos.

 

Pisces 2/19 – 3/20

Week 8? More like breakdown 80. 

This week in completely made up horoscopes

The Western Howl Staff

Theme: Family conversation starters for Thanksgiving

 

Aries 3/21-4/19  

Look Uncle Rob, I’m going to need you to stop sending me all lives matter memes on Facebook. 

 

Taurus 4/20-5/20

Mom, dad, I have something to tell you … I’m gay. 

 

Gemini 5/21-6/20 

*silently drinks cranberry juice during the entire dinner*

 

Cancer 6/21-7/22

I’m going to quit and get the fear.

 

Leo 7/23-8/22

I’m never going to another family dinner party. EVER

 

Virgo 8/23-9/22

Boycott Amazon.

 

Libra 9/23-10/22

Listen up aunties, stop asking me if I’m in a relationship. Tinder is rough around here. 

 

Scorpio 10/23-11/21 

So how about them uh. SpOrts huh? Haha

 

Sagittarius 11/22-12/21

So uhhhh.. I lost my virginity.

 

Capricorn 12/22-1/19

I’mfailinghalfofmyclasses so April how’re the kids?

 

Aquarius 1/20 – 2/18

So I’m a BIG supporter of pineapples on pizza. Anyone else???

 

Pisces 2/19 – 3/20

How about we discuss the rise and fall of capitalism?

Let’s talk turkey puns!

Share some turkey puns during thanksgiving; they are sure to get at least a few pity chuckles

Compiled by The Western Howl staff

Gobble ‘til you wobble.

I’d like to cut back on thanksgiving leftovers but I can’t cut back cold turkey

Where do turkeys go when they die? The gravey-yard

Gravy is the turKEY to my heart

What did the cranberry say to the gravy? Let’s get sauced. 

It doesn’t get butter than this. 

Nobody puts gravy in the corner. 

The nap after eating is called the silence of the yams. 

Bread-y or not, here I crumble!

Gobble me, swallow me, drip down the side of me. 

What do you call a turkey after Thanksgiving? Lucky

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