Humor – Page 9 – The Western Howl

The Western Howl Staff

Theme: Voting

Aries 3/21-4/19

Don’t want to hear you whining if you didn’t vote.

Taurus 4/20-5/20

Are you ready to see another old white man as president again?

Gemini 5/21-6/20

no you can’t split your vote like your personality

Cancer 6/21-7/22

Hold onto your butts.

Leo 7/23-8/22

Just buy a few houseplants to like, help the vibe out, you know?

Virgo 8/23-9/22

Don’t worry, next week’s issue will include destressing tips.

Libra 9/23-10/22

Wait, I was asleep. What happened?

Scorpio 10/23-11/21

If you didn’t vote, I hope you enjoy eternal darkness 🙂

Sagittarius 11/22-12/21

No matter what happens, we have each other — stay strong!

Capricorn 12/22-1/19

Ah, the elderly man contest, the most interesting time of year

Aquarius 1/20 – 2/18

By mail or booth, you best vote

Pisces 2/19 – 3/20

Vote, or else…

The Western Howl

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This week in completely made up horoscopes

The Western Howl Staff

Theme: Election Reactions

Aries 3/21-4/19

I never liked oranges anyways.

Taurus 4/20-5/20

The pink nippled community is at it again.

Gemini 5/21-6/20

lovely

Cancer 6/21-7/22

Everything is proceeding as I have foreseen.

Leo 7/23-8/22

Look! Another powdery old white man won the old white man contest. WHAT AN UPSET!

Virgo 8/23-9/22

I’m blue da ba dee da ba daa

Libra 9/23-10/22

How ya doin’ champ? Go take a few laps and walk it off, we’ll be fine.

Scorpio 10/23-11/21

They wigged the ewection uWu

Sagittarius 11/22-12/21

Are we saved?

Capricorn 12/22-1/19

you’re fired lol

Aquarius 1/20 – 2/18

I’m tired and I hate it here.

Pisces 2/19 – 3/20

I didn’t look at my phone once last week.

The Western Howl

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This week in completely made up horoscopes

The Western Howl Staff

Theme: Horoscopes from The Fly

Aries 3/21-4/19

What if I just took a s—t right now.

Taurus 4/20-5/20

This is a nice spot for a nap.

Gemini 5/21-6/20

Bruh why’d he stay so long, get out of there before his hair gel kills you!

Cancer 6/21-7/22

Don’t listen to that guy. He’s trying to lead you down the path of wickedness. I’m gonna lead you down the path that rocks!

Leo 7/23-8/22

He’s not real he’s definitely like a lizard or something

Virgo 8/23-9/22

You know what they say flies are attracted to.

Libra 9/23-10/22

Thought I was landing on a snack, turned out it was a snake.

Scorpio 10/23-11/21

Listen to “Fly on the Wall” by Miley Cyrus.

Sagittarius 11/22-12/21

You better vote.

Capricorn 12/22-1/19

At least I made him look even more like an idiot

Aquarius 1/20 – 2/18

Oop, time for my 15 minutes of fame (⌐▨_▨)

Pisces 2/19 – 3/20

I can see why the audience is empty.

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This week in completely made up HORRORscopes

The Western Howl Staff

Theme: Halloween / Horror

Aries 3/21-4/19

Wait … what’s that behind you?

Taurus 4/20-5/20

Nothing can scare you when you’re already dead.

Gemini 5/21-6/20

I’ve got something that’ll scare you: 4 midterms on the SAME DAY

Cancer 6/21-7/22

Kxpdq vrgd, L’p jrqqd gulqn lw olnh d shuvrq. (Caesar)

Leo 7/23-8/22

Week five -shiver-

Virgo 8/23-9/22

Believe in the power of the Mothman.

Libra 9/23-10/22

BOO

Scorpio 10/23-11/21

The real treasure is the demons we bring home from the journey

Sagittarius 11/22-12/21

I wonder if squirrels can haunt you… I wish I was a squirrel.

Capricorn 12/22-1/19

I have a message from the ghost that’s been following me since I was 12: he says ‘boo!’

Aquarius 1/20 – 2/18

Spooky scary midterms send shivers down your mind.

Pisces 2/19 – 3/20

The only scary thing about halloween that I enjoy are the zombie shaped chocolates.

The Western Howl

Home » Humor

This week in completely made up horoscopes

The Western Howl Staff

Aries 3/21-4/19

Gang gang.

Taurus 4/20-5/20

Just … go back to sleep.

Gemini 5/21-6/20

haven’t had coffee yet, pls don’t talk to me

Cancer 6/21-7/22

“I wish I could, but I don’t want to.”

Leo 7/23-8/22

Out on lunch break, will be back next week

Virgo 8/23-9/22

As the days get shorter, you become your true self. Embrace the dark, baby.

Libra 9/23-10/22

No <3

Scorpio 10/23-11/21

Some fish can walk out of water, but will they climb trees?

Sagittarius 11/22-12/21

Hey, I hope you have a wonderful day — you deserve it! Get out there and DEVOUR SOME AVOCADOS.

Capricorn 12/22-1/19

Go to bed early tonight, treat yourself to at least 8 hours of sleep 🙂

Aquarius 1/20 – 2/18

Is it just me, or is my FBI man listening a little too well?

Pisces 2/19 – 3/20

Go ahead and buy that extra sticker for your water bottle. You deserve it.

The Western Howl

Home » Humor

This week in completely made up horoscopes

The Western Howl Staff

Aries 3/21-4/19

Who else is getting up at 6 a.m. to run? Just me?

Taurus 4/20-5/20

Let’s not and say we did…

Gemini 5/21-6/20

Yeah, no I’m going back to bed, later.

Cancer 6/21-7/22

Morsmordre!

Leo 7/23-8/22

FABULOUS JUST FABULOUS

Virgo 8/23-9/22

Mercury is not in retrograde. You can blame Earth for your problems.

Libra 9/23-10/22

Have a lovely cup of tea and talk with a stranger

Scorpio 10/23-11/21

No Scorp…io

Sagittarius 11/22-12/21

Contact the author at smartinez17@wou.edu

Capricorn 12/22-1/19

Salad is just a vehicle for croutons, thanks for coming to my TED Talk

Aquarius 1/20 – 2/18

Don’t mind me, just going to go casually have a breakdown in the men’s room, thanks.

Pisces 2/19 – 3/20

“Suck it up and ask for help” – E.M. 2020

The Western Howl

Home » Humor

This week in completely made up horoscopes

The Western Howl Staff

Aries 3/21-4/19

Sometimes staying up until 3am watching docuseries isn’t the best idea but go off.

Taurus 4/20-5/20

Astrology isn’t a lie and you should continue arguing with your parents about it. #fightthegoodfight

Gemini 5/21-6/20

*eats popcorn while watching Taurus fight with their parents*

Cancer 6/21-7/22

We’ve come to burgle your turts.

Leo 7/23-8/22

My apocalypse bingo card has a bingo, what do I win?

Virgo 8/23-9/22

I’ll be going back to bed after morning Zoom meetings and you should too

Libra 9/23-10/22

If the stars align right hopefully I’ll be a millionaire by the 22nd

Scorpio 10/23-11/21

Excuse me while I avoid my class meetings so I can continue to binge Netflix shows

Sagittarius 11/22-12/21

LET ME OUTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT pls 🙂 oh and don’t listen to capricorn 🙂

Capricorn 12/22-1/19

Welcome back everyone, good to see you. Oh wait ⏤ waiting…??????? WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME?

Side note: sagittarius is lying, you should def listen 🙂

Aquarius 1/20 – 2/18

Listen to a Virgo this week, for they are wise [(－－)]..zzZ

Pisces 2/19 – 3/20

Hey there delilah what’s it like there in 2021? Im 3 months away but tonight you look so pretty…

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Western Oregon University in Monmouth, OR is located within the traditional homelands of the Luckiamute Band of Kalapuya. Following the Willamette Valley Treaty of 1855 (Kalapuya etc. Treaty), Kalapuya people were forcibly removed to reservations in Western Oregon. Today, living descendants of these people are a part of the Confederated Tribes of Grand Ronde Community of Oregon and the Confederated Tribes of the Siletz Indians.

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